Meridian Hill and Asthma

This is the PKTO post that is referenced in the later entry... I'm putting it first for reference.
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No one should ever be happy with where they are, but should always strive for improvement.. and be happy with WHO they are for doing so.

I just got back from a meet. It was cardio intensive, and I completed the tasks and goals laid out for us. It was enough to trigger an asthma attack, and at the end of the second task, I collapsed onto the floor and heaved for a good fifteen minutes. I felt like I was dying.

On the drive home, I was on the verge of pulling over and vomitting. I was hating myself for being so useless. For, after all these years, not being able to beat the fact that my pipes tighten up under extreme exercise and cause me to wheeze, gag, and vomit. I felt terrible, not just physically, but mentally. I'm still super depressed about it, because I keep thinking in my head, "Why am I doing this? I'm never going to be able to be who I want to be and who I feel like I need to be. I can't beat this. I don't deserve to be where I am in Parkour and I don't deserve the respect that people have given me. I should just give up right now."

When I came in and sat down here, though, I remembered that three years ago, Dan took me out on my very first training session (proper training session that is) and I was gasping for air after him making me do like... four lazy vaults. I remember just last year where Dan made me vomit (with the assistance of a spicy dinner) from a few cardio circuits.. and how even if I failed, I still ended up doing SOO much more than those four lazy vaults three years ago. I remember last winter at the anniversary meet when I was gagging and spitting up from tire flipping, but I FINISHED the damned thing, even if everything was telling me, "If you do it one more time, you're GOING to pass out."

What I did today, I wouldn't have been able to do last winter. What I did last winter, I wouldn't have been able to do two years ago. And what I did two years ago, I wouldn't have been able to do that first day with those four lazy vaults. Even if I feel useless, even if I'm never EVER going to be the traceur that I WANT to be... I have to be proud of myself for sticking with it, for training as hard as I have, for training harder and harder as time passes.

And I think that's what Dan's getting at, too.
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Sometimes, I feel like an absolute failure. Today, Washingtonian Magazine was doing a story on the DC scene. I decided to attend even though I'm more involved with the Virginian scene these days (which has become its own distinct entity). I arrived late, missing on the warm-up, which may have led to the ultimate failure that I'm about to describe. Things started off pretty well with a nice bounding exercise that was a lot of fun. It was interesting to see how the Primal guys go about things, honestly. I will never agree with their mission, but that doesn't mean that I can't learn from them and take what I like. That's how you grow. In any case, since I was hardly warmed at all, I used this time to bounce around in-between the exercises to get myself up.

We did, later, three different circuits before I had to leave for a family obligation. The first involved traversing to the top of the fountain from the bottom (you can see the picture of the fountain in my previous post). The first climb-up is extremely awkward, but I managed it okay enough. This run was good and had me pretty winded on its own.

The second run consisted of doing the same thing, but from much earlier. We ran it in pairs. I think I showed my overall strength level by performing the climbs much quicker than my partner, but toward the last four vaults of the fountain itself, I began to wheeze and cough. My partner later said that he was amazed at how quickly I got up everything. All the same, he reached the summit first because my lungs got in the way.

The last thing that really did me in was a wall shimmy, climb-up, quad along a ledge, then a drop and roll. It doesn't sound like much, but after the fountain runs, my lungs were dying on me. I know I'm not in the best shape in the world. Far from it. But I would've hoped that I could've handled things as simple as these. As stated in a PKTO post, I'm still proud of myself because of everything I've managed to achieve up to this point in my training. I'm proud that I've progressed as far as I have and that I continue to progress every day that I have spent in Parkour.

But there are so many occasions where I just feel like I'm not good enough and that I should just give up. Sometimes, I wonder what it's all really for. Is it my depression that drives me to these thoughts? I mean, I really have no clue. I should continue to be proud of myself and happy of being where I am. It is incredibly difficult at times and days like today are incredibly disheartening.